A Look Inside

Oh boy, what a treat today has been. For those of you who don't know, I recently shipped to AIT (advanced individual training) to become a medic. I'll be EMT certified when I get out so that's cool I guess. I had to wake up at 0300 today because I had to have a 4 hour CQ shift. Basically you just sit and wait for something to happen. Due to my lack of intake of water (as far as I know) made me pass out at around 0600. They had to take me to the hospital for safety reasons. So that was just a peachy start to my day. Just my luck. I've never passed out before so it was kind of weird.. I was only out for like a second or two. I ended up being there for 5 hours though.
AIT is pretty boring right now because I haven't ACTUALLY started any training though. The Texas weather is super bipolar. It will be freezing in the morning, burning in the middle of the day and then cold again. It just doesn't make sense. When it is warm though, it is beautiful! I think my awkwardness is showing because people always think I look paranoid or scared or I don't even know. I'm probably just in my own little world thinking about God knows what. I am so ready to get to training. I started reading my textbook today. That'll be a change, I haven't had to do that in forever. I must have a effervescent personality that just emits awkward. I swear every where I am somewhere new it gets brought up about how weird I am. I think it is just because I am not comfortable. Sweet molasses though, when I get comfortable enough to be crazy..that's a whole other story!

My posts may be few and far between for the next couple months since I'll be in training, buht I am sure I will have more awkward stories to come. Or at least a few funny ones.

For now,

Go in peace my Earthlings.

Yesterday was a Pretty Damn Good Day

     Despite the fact that yesterday was Valentine's day and I am usually cynical towards said hallmark day for numerous reasons, I had a pretty fantastic day yesterday. I started it off with volunteering at school where we made various gifts of appreciation for departments and facilities around campus such as families in the hospitals near and on campus that have very sick children with serious illnesses such as cancer. We also made posters for the departments showing appreciation for being there. We made tissue flowers for veterans and helped restock the food pantry on campus. I thought, "why not spread the love to other people?"

Pizza asking me out.

     All week I was waiting for Saturday. Not because it was Valentine's Day, but because that was the day I was going to allow myself to buy a pizza and it was magical. I told the pizza place to write "Will you be my girlfriend?" inside the box to make it appear as if pizza was asking me out. (  I said yes by the way! ;) ) Then, randomly throughout the day I would put dancing music on and dance around my house. Think like, early 2000s rap/hip-hop. I probably danced around my apartment for a solid 3 hours and I felt so free and happy and in a fantastic mood. I have this disco ball lamp doodad that I plugged in and it was like I was having my own little party for one. I also meditated on acceptance and that was pretty great. I lit a good luck incense and I think it has some drugs in it cos I felt all sorts of loop after that. Then I danced the loopiness out of myself.
     This Valentine's Day, I didn't let the fact that I was "single & alone" keep me from showing love to myself and to the universe. I think that is what is important: to show love to yourself and if others choose to join you, then heck yah bring on the chocolate (if that's your thing.) If you had someone special, I give you two thumbs up!!! My someone special happened to be a something and that something was pizza.  How did you all spend your Valentine's Day?

Child Love

I think one of the most messed up things an adult can tell a child is that they do not know what true love is when they are so young. Gee why don't you just shoot down any chance they have of happiness. In reality, it is most adults that do not know what the meaning of true love is. I think that is one of the saddest things that our lives come to when we age. God bless those that still fell the sense of love when they are old and still happily married as if it were their honeymoon. It is not fair to say that children don't know what true love is because those children are probably the only ones who truly feel it. If the person feels in love when they are twelve, who is to say that they aren't. Love changes based on age and life experience and the concept of love gets harder to grasp as life goes on. So childish love is probably one of the purest forms of love there is. One that is not tainted by the cruelty and pain and hurt caused by life. So please adults, don't ruin love for the young at heart. Their hearts are pure. Don't ruin love for them just because you have lost it.

My Dreams

     As of late I have been having some pretty crazy dreams. My dreams don't even make sense. The other day I had a dream that I was roller skating through a school with an old cheer leading coach, then a chunk of my hair fell out as I asked to go use the latrine. Then it time hopped to a movie theater where my phone started playing music and lighting up. The person next me in my dream told me that he hated my and never wanted to see me again because my phone was going off during the movie. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me, but I find it super bizarre. Maybe it is a warning to not have my phone in the movies (haha). It's even worse having dreams about ex-boyfriends, cos then they make even less sense. Like, where the hell did you come from. I don't know what is going on with my brain lately, but ever since I started meditating I have been having crazy vivid dreams. I think it is kind of cool because it is almost like watching a movie while sleeping. The only bad thing is it can bring up old memories. I can assure you, though that I have no old memories of roller skating through a school, although that would be extremely cool and I would not be opposed.

Some Fun Facts About Brain Waves and Meditation

     Your brain waves can be categorized into five separate subsections of functionality based on the frequency that has been examined through medical tests such as an EEG and a fMRI. Gamma waves have the highest frequency with a rate of 30-100 Hz. In gamma, the brain is hyperactive and is in the phase in which the most information is retained, although over-stimulation can lead to anxiety. Beta has a frequency of 13-30 Hz,  where the brain functions a majority of the time. This is the state of the working and thinking brain that exercises the alertness of the prefrontal cortext and is used in analysis, planning, assessing, and categorizing. Alpha is the state of a calm, peaceful, and grounded mind with a frequency of 9-13 Hz. This state of mind is most likely to be reached after a yoga class or various other activities that relax the body and mind. This is the point when the hemispheres of the brain are more balanced, but not the state of mind that is reached in meditation.

     At a frequency of 4-8 Hz, theta waves mark the point where the verbal and thinking mind transforms into the meditative and visual mind. At this frequency the mind has a higher capacity for wholeness and is better able to solve complicated problems. Visualization is most common during this state. The final and ultimate state of mind is the delta waves at a frequency 1-3 Hz. This state is uncommon for most human beings and is only commonly met with monks who have been meditating for decades. For those of us that are fortunate to reach this state, we are most likely in a deep, dreamless sleep. Monks can reach this phase in an alert, awakened state.

     It is the goal that we reach the theta state of brain wave frequency during meditation since it is a plausible relaxed state that allows the mind to focus in the moment. This state most easily allows visualizations of the breath and body in unity. The objective of meditation is to be in the present moment and be conscious in your actions. By slowing the brainwaves, the rapidness of thoughts begins to slow and more peaceful state of mind is reached.

Liquid Golden Sunshine

     Oh what a day today has been. Between my pre-shipping brief to get ready to leave for the Army, going to mall and buying some incense and CDs (who knew people still bought those.), getting a awesome work out & meditation in, and visiting an old family friend, I have been quite the character today. Some times I have really good days like today and I get extremely hyper and get to the point of laughter that is more like a cackle and my mother just looks at me. It's quite comical to experience in real life. Any whom. Today whilst meditating I started on the balancing mind, body, and soul section. It started incorporating visualization and today I had to envision my body being filled with golden rays of liquid golden sunshine. So when I told my mom, "I don't know why I am so hyper. Oh wait! I remember. It is because I am filled with liquid sunshine!!!" I said this in an extremely excited voice. Then later, when I was eating carrots,  I imagined a carrot doing karate. Then I think to myself, "HOLY SWEET MOLASSES. It would be called carrot-ee (pronounced carrotayyy).

This is only confirming that I am a strange human being.

It's More Than Sadness.

Dad

I told you

I had d.e.p.r.e.s.s.i.on.

And you said

"As long as it doesn't control your life."

But Daddy

It controls EVERYTHING.

You blew it off,

Like the wind blows out a candle.

You blew out my candle.

I admitted my flaws

And you said n.o.t.h.i.n.g.

I was crying out for help

And the nothingness echoed

Like a high pitched squeal

Only you can hear.

I guess I'd rather be depressed

and alone

Than happy

and ignored.

Seeing Old Friends From High School

     If your in college, or out of high school, you will probably know exactly what I am talking about. We all have those friends that used to be friends that really aren't that much any more. Those people you went to high school with. Your relationship was kind of like "hey we had class together back in freshman year." Or you talked a lot at school but beyond that there was not much there. Basically you were friends because you saw each other every day. There are a few exceptions I might add though. I had friends that I talked to everyday at school and we were pretty close, we just never hung out. Okay, now that I have gotten completely off topic.
     Every time I come home to my small town, I ALWAYS run into people I went to high school with. I was pretty well known in high school and I talked to pretty much. You know, awkward small talk because what the hell else to we have to do. Or even worse, you had to work in groups and make even more small talk. Well, I never know how to react when I see people that I used to know and went to school with. If I am out in public I usually turn around and walk the other direction and hide at all costs to avoid making awkward conversation of "hey, how are you? I haven't seen you in years. We never really talked, but HIIIIIII." You know, that kind of awkward small talk. I hate it. Which I why I run in the opposite direction. I am a master of avoidance.  Or there are those conversations you have with people you were actually kind of close with but they basically fell off the face of the Earth. Do you give them a hug, where do you stand? HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO REACT IN THESE KINDS OF SITUATIONS!? Needless to say, I still do not know how to act like a "normal" human being in society. I shall now keep myself locked in my space of living.

Forever Awkward.